Happy Endings Are Far Away
by Lustful Reader
Summary: Kendall Knight has a lot of stress in his life, and now, on top of everything else, he has begun to develop feelings for one of his band mates. Who is the crush and how will he cope? Rated M for Language, explicit content, character harm, and slash.
1. Little Truths, Big Secrets

**A/N: Hello everyone who is reading this, thank you for choosing my story for your reading pleasure. First off, a little bit about me and this fic. I've been a member of the site for a while and, and as you can probably tell from my pen name, have been only a reader up until now. I've always loved writing, but I was nervous about posting my work online for the whole world to see. However, I would really like to become a beta for the site, so publish stories I must. I honestly can't say how often I will update, being in high school gives me a rather unplanned schedule, but I can say that I will try to update as quickly as possible while still keeping good grammar and spelling. This is my first fanfiction, and constructive criticism is always welcome. The story will be told mostly, if not completely, in Kendall's point of view, except of course for the opening. Also, this will be a yaoi, smut, m/m, whatever else you prefer to use fiction, so if you don't like that kind of writing, please feel free to leave now. You may have noticed when you found this story that I didn't put who Kendall would be paired with, no, this is not a mistake, I thought it would be more interesting that way, but if you feel it should be added after the reveal or once the story is complete, please tell me in a review or private message and I will take it into consideration. In the meantime, feel free to review or message me your guess on who you think it will be. Well that's it for my author's note, so please enjoy my story, and thank you for flying Air Lustful Reader.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of its affiliates. I have no connection to the band, T.V. show, or any other aspect pertaining to the title "Big Time Rush" in any way, shape, or form.**

Kendall Knight was a popular guy, he could admit that, but he never let it get to him. Even after he and his three best friends- Logan, James, and Carlos-had gone from cart-pushing to singing, moving halfway across the country, and trading the ice for the stage, he never let his popularity go to his head. Of course, none of the people close to him would have let that happen even if he wanted it to.

His mother, now legal guardian over the four boys and his younger sister, Katie, still had them do chores around the apartment, just as she had when they had first moved to California. Their manager, Gustavo Rocque, still treated the boy band as the dogs he saw them to be, even though they were now known worldwide, and almost every girl in the world had a poster of them on their wall. All in all, Kendall was a pretty typical teenager, minus being a pop sensation of course. He had family that loved him, friends that supported him, and even some people who hated him. Yes, Kendall had all these things, but most importantly, he had the one thing that made him a real teenager, the one thing that truly made him human.

Kendall Knight, the person that everyone knew, or at least thought they knew, had a secret. A secret so terrible that no one could ever know, lest he become a pariah, cast from society. At least, that's how he felt about it. If he really thought about, it wasn't such a big deal, especially not in modern times, but that was Kendall. He always seemed calm, cool, and collected on the outside, but on the inside his mind always went for the worst possible scenario. He knew deep down that everyone would still treat him the same, his family would still love him, his friends would still support him, and some people would still hate him. It didn't matter that much did it? No one really cared if he was….gay, did they?

Kendall didn't know for sure, he had decided a while back to push all of that away. He didn't want to think about it too much. He knew if he did that he would eventually see reason, but he didn't want to, not right now at least. Right now he just wanted to be normal.

I burst through the door to the apartment, exhausted from the day's events. Gustavo had put us through the pop star ringer; vocal practice, which focused largely on harmonizing, dancing, with rigorous effort put in to make sure we were synced perfectly, hours of recording for the new C.D., and of course, going to the School of Rocque. I managed to make my way over to the couch before collapsing onto my stomach. I rolled over just in time for my three best friends to throw their weight onto a different part of my body-stomach, groin, and legs-and successfully knocking what little oxygen I had out of me. Once I had regained a somewhat regular breathing pattern, I glared at my friends, I was not in any mood to play games. "Get off of me," I shouted, twisting my body with all the strength I could muster and throwing the boys to the ground. "Aww, lighten up Kendall," James said as he began to pick himself up off of the floor. "Yeah," add Logan, "we were just having some fun."

"Well go have fun on someone else," I retorted sharply, storming off to my room. I needed to be alone right now, there was just too much going on. Mom had been moody lately, Katie had been acting like a brat, my friends were annoying me, and to top it all off, I was having weird feelings toward one of them, feeling that shouldn't be felt toward a friend, not a friend of the same gender at least.

It had been about half an hour since I had stormed off, and I was lying in bed when I heard the doorknob rattle. "Kendall, are you okay in there?" It was Carlos, obviously coming to see why I had overreacted so badly earlier. "Yeah, I'm fine," I replied through the door, I didn't want the guys to worry about me, especially Carlos. He was such a caring person, he never wanted anyone to be upset or hurt. "Can I come in? I think we should talk." I didn't say anything, but sat upright on the bed as the door opened and the young Latino came into view. I wasn't really in the mood to talk, but I knew at the very least it would make Carlos feel better knowing that he tried. "Sorry," I said as he walked over to my bed and sat down beside me, "about the outburst that is."

"It's okay, I wasn't offended, and I don't think James or Logan got that upset either. Can I ask why you got so angry though? I mean, we mess around like that all the time."

"I don't know; stress mostly, all the stuff that has been going on around here is really getting to me."

"You mean with your mom and Katie? It's probably just that time of the month, but I understand how that could stress you out when it's piled up with all the stuff at work."

There was a lull in the conversation. Carlos looked at me and could tell that there was something more, something I wasn't telling him. "Is there something else," he asked slowly, as if saying the wrong thing could set me off again. I really didn't want to talk about this right now. "No," I said evenly, "nothing else."

Don't you lie to me, Kendall Knight," he stated more boldly this time, "I can tell when you do." It was true, somehow Carlos always knew when I was lying. He said that I had signals, stuff I did involuntarily when I lied, but he would never tell me when what they were. I knew he was going to find out everything eventually, but maybe I could use a small truth to hide the bigger truth, for now anyways. "Alright," I said, defeated, "I'll tell you, but you can't tell Logan or James. Promise?"

"You have my word," he said, looking me in the eyes with his hand over his heart. I waited several seconds, still not quite sure if I should tell him, even the little truth I had to tell was rather big, but the look in his eyes reassured me, and I knew he would be okay with whatever I told him. "Jo and I broke up last week," I finally said, trying to sound as though it was a casual sort of thing. I hadn't been too upset when it had happened, in fact, I had felt rather relieved. We had decided that we just weren't right for each other. It wasn't anything messy, and we were still good friends, but I knew what my friends would think once they found out, and I didn't really want their 'help' with coping. "Aw dude, that sucks," Carlos said sympathetically, "I'm really sorry bro."

"It's really not that bad, it was a mutual thing, and we will still be friends."

"Then why didn't you tell me, or any of us, sooner?" I could tell by his face that he was feeling some mixed emotions. My only guess was that he was happy I had told him first, but sad because I had not told him sooner. He was still waiting for an answer, which would be easy enough to supply, but I dreaded continuing the conversation. I knew that If we talked much longer, the question of 'why' would come up, and that was one that I wasn't sure I could answer. "I just didn't want you guys to think that I was heartbroken and that I needed cheering up, you guys go a little overboard with that stuff sometimes." There, I had answered his question, now I needed to end the discussion before it got difficult. I could see the next few words forming in his mind, but before he could ask them, I stood from the bed and headed for the door. "I'm gonna go talk to James and Logan," I said before opening the door and looking into the living room, "I think I should apologize for my behavior earlier."


	2. Desires Not Heard, Feelings Not Seen

A/N: Shorter a/n this time, don't have much to say that wasn't said last time. I would like to thank fuzzybuzz21 and XxPHANTOMxAVATARxX for being my first followers as well as to my BFF Nadia for being my first commenter. I hope you all enjoy this chapter.

Disclaimer:I do not own Big Time Rush or any of its affiliates. I have no connection to the band, T.V. show, or any other aspect pertaining to the title "Big Time Rush" in any way, shape, or form.

Desires Not Heard, Feelings Not Seen

We were all seated at the table for dinner. I had apologized to James and Logan a few hours ago, and they were happy I had. I felt that I still owed them some sort of explanation though, so I told them what I had told Carlos earlier. The stress from work and home, as well as my rather easy break-up with Jo. They were understanding, more so than I had thought they would be, and afterwards we decided to play video games until dinner was ready. When mom brought the dinner over from the adjoined kitchen, she seemed quite cheery, much more than she had been lately. She had made all our favorites, Dino Nuggets, and she smiled and did a little hand flourish as she set them in the center of the table. Everyone was confused as to the sudden mood change, but no one was brave enough to question it, we didn't want to set her off again, so we all decided to enjoy the meal in quiet. After dinner, mom made Katie take her shower and get ready for bed while the rest of us stayed up a bit longer, each of us doing our own thing; James was fixing his hair, which seemed stupid to the rest of us since we'd be in bed soon, Carlos was cleaning dishes to help mom and keep her happy, Logan was reading a book on typical surgical practices, and I decided to watch one of my recordings of my favorite show, Degrassi. When the show had finished, I decided to go take my shower and brush my teeth before bed. As I finished cleaning my mouth of the bacteria it had picked up throughout the day, I looked at my face in the mirror. ' I really need to shave,' I thought to myself, rubbing my chin and neck and feeling the hairs prickle against my hand. ' I wonder if he prefers a shaved face or a hairy one.' I decided that, knowing him as well as I did, he would prefer a nice, clean- shaven face. I quickly rubbed my face with a layer of shaving cream before running my razor over it and ridding myself of the offending growths. I went into the room I shared with James and changed quickly into my favorite pajamas before crawling between the sheets of my bed and maneuvering my body into a comfortable position. I was just about to fall asleep when James and Logan burst into the room shouting, obviously arguing about something stupid James had done. I turned and sat up in bed, trying to make my presence known and show that I had been trying to sleep before the pair had come in making as much noise as charging rhinos. "James, this is serious! Do you know how bad this stuff stains," Logan shouted as James began to dig through his dresser, apparently looking for some bed clothes. "Yes, Logan, I do, I use Cuda man-spray all of the time, so why don't you just leave your shirt here with me? I have a special cleaner specifically for getting it out of clothes." "Fine, but it had better work, this is one of my favorite shirts." Logan and James both started to remove their shirts, but I was only focused on one of them. His body was well chiseled for as scrawny as he was, with well defined pectorals and abs that you could grate cheese on. He was a true definition of beauty. Logan walked out of the room, leaving his shirt on James' bed, and James walked into the bathroom to take his shower. I laid down in bed once again slowly, the picture of his amazing body burned into the front of my mind. I looked over at my clock and saw that it was 11:30. 'Wow,' I thought to myself, 'this night went by quickly.' I rolled onto my side with my back facing facing the bathroom door, trying to will my body to sleep, but it wouldn't come. After what had seemed like only a few minutes, I heard James exit the bathroom. I looked again at my clock and saw that it was now midnight. I decided that if I couldn't sleep, I might as well lay still and allow my mind to wander.

'It's not fair' I thought to myself as I lie awake in my bed, still unable to sleep with all of the thoughts swimming through my head. 'How could one person have so much control over me, make me want them so bad, and not even know it? It's impossible to understand how five simple letters, when placed in perfect order, could be used describe everything I want.' I glanced over at my clock, reading 1:18 a.m., before I rolled over onto my back and closed my eyes. I knew I needed to get some sleep, but I was scared of my dreams. They weren't nightmares, or even remotely scary, but rather they were the most beautiful images of my affection. I loved these dreams, but I hated my mind for showing them to me because I knew it did this on purpose. It would show me the most wonderful images I could imagine, knowing that I would soon have to awaken to reality, my reality at least, of loneliness and tears. Maybe if I could sleep forever things wouldn't be so bad, but that would require something drastic, something terrible, that I would never even think of considering. Still though, it would be so much easier than what I was going through now, but no, I shouldn't think like that. This would all pass soon anyways, it was just a crush, and I would look back to this moment and laugh at how silly I had been. That's it, I just had to weather the storm, and soon enough it would be over, replaced by a beautiful sunshine and the most amazing rainbow as a gift to me for surviving this seemingly impossible journey. 'What if it doesn't pass though? What if I don't want it to?' The thoughts lingered at the back of my mind, and though I tried to push them away, they always came back, filling me with doubt and making question my original views on my predicament. This isn't the time to think about this though, for now it was time to sleep. I squeezed my eyes lids shut tightly, trying to release as much tension from my head as possible, before finally relaxing them, allowing them to comfortably cover my eyes. I took a few deep breaths, calming my body and mind as I felt sleep begin to finally overtake me.


End file.
